Sunday, 29 July 2012

13 Questions I Want The Answers To

A few head scratchers you might want to google....

1. If a wasp is flying in a car that is doing 60mph , is the wasp flying at 60mph?
2. What was the first person who milked a cow really trying to do?
3. How would you know when you are out of invisible ink?
4. When do you become important enough to be considered assassinated and not just murdered?
5. Why are actors IN movies but ON television?
6. Why do they call a bulding a building when its already been built? 
7. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
8. Do fish ever get thirsty?
9. Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road?
10. If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
11. If Mars had earthquakes would they be called Marsquakes?
12. Why are dogs noses always wet?
13. Why do they put holes in crackers?

I am NEVER using baby oil again. Ever. That just freaks me out. As for the cow person ... bad enough to even milk them udders...let alone drink what came out of them. Its a sick world kids. 

Saturday, 21 July 2012

One Week In Pictures

In the grand scheme of life , one week is a relatively short period of time. An 80 year old will live over 4000 weeks in their lifetime,  however in the here and now one week can feel like a lifetime. When I was a young'un the week before Christmas felt like an entire year, however the last week of the Summer holidays felt like the blink of an eye.
It is true that a lot can happen in a week, it is after all 7 long days and 168 hours . For this weeks post I decided to take random pictures everyday for one week of anything that occurred during my day:
Office Bingo! To get rid of the Monday morning blues , we played  bingo. If the song plays on the radio , you get to tick it off.  These were my choices on Monday - I ticked all of mine off except Chris Brown. Its little things in an office that keep you going!
Meet Steph - AKA Stephano. My work wife and bingo rival. Don't let them eyes mislead you - she once punched a baby and  in her spare time she likes to watch naked women.
I have discovered the "Confidential" stamp in the office. I swear they tried to hide it from me. Needless to say I will be using it on EVERYTHING from now on. It makes me feel important.
My desk. Always a mess and this week was no different. With lots of new business cases to  prepare for , my desk ended up looking rather similar to the state of my bedroom. (Note I have the essentials: Lip balm , tea and a Henry desk hoover. I'm not daft)
With Wednesday comes the weekly office quiz. Written by our office manager  "The Quiz Nazi", it is the highlight of every week. I won this week and choose my prize of a Hello Kitty multi coloured pen. I may not be 6 years old but I am a stationary whore. Multi coloured pens are cool and you know it.
This week I started to make my own friendship bracelets. I  wear  indie style bracelets everyday but they are starting to look tatty and instead of buying some , I decided it would be fun to make my own (I'm poor , don't judge). After two attempts , I finally finished one without fluffing it up and I am pretty pleased with the results! I am now ready for my Blue Peter badge. 
The reason why I am poor is the above. I crashed  my car  two weeks ago and wrote it off.  I am having to  buy a  new car  with 99% of my savings because Admiral are a bunch of chumps. The crash wasn't my fault , some old man pulled out in front of me but the liability battle still goes on. There is just SO much paperwork involved, coming home from work and filling out forms is utter crap. 
As Steph had never played Chubby Bunny before I decided to educate her. She teaches me how to be less politically incorrect and I teach her the important things in life. 
Such a pretty Chubby Bunny. I look at this picture and feel  slightly anxious that I will never  get married.
3pm is biscuit time in the office but this week we had treats that my Bosses' wife brought in. I would quite literally have babies with one of those Belgian Chocolate Tiffins.  
I am currently addicted to Ebay and I am selling everything I own . I have made £30 this month and now feel like Alan Sugar. The people that sell half used bottles of shampoo and second hand underwear make me sad. 
The introduction of the office swear jar. Two lists: One for 50p words and one for words worth £1. Most expensive swear jar ever. I can see my entire life savings sitting in that Oreo pot. We cannot decide what to do with the money once it is full - I said give it to charity as we shouldn't benefit from our own swearing , but then someone suggested going to the pub and the decision was made.
And finally,  probably the most exciting thing this week - I bought a car! Now my Punto is in the sky , I have a new loyal steed who I pick up in two days. Very excited not to be a bus wanker anymore after 3 long weeks.

So there you have it. My week in pictures. .I now have a car , make bracelets , am the proud owner of a Hello Kitty pen and am a few pound heavier. Not bad in 7 days.

Please Note: Steph "accidentally" hit a baby. The naked woman thing though is 100% true. 

Tuesday, 3 July 2012

2012 - The year of Great Britain?

Over a billion people will watch this years London 2012 Olympics opening ceremony.

And what has Danny Boyle decided would be the best design for the grand occasion? 70 grazing sheep and a cricket field.

The aim of the opening ceremony is to show Britain "through the ages" and will feature 13,000 props including a giant chimney , fake clouds , real farmyard animals as well as maypoles and a mosh pit. There is a part of me that wants to shake Danny Boyle by the shoulders and scream "What are you doing? the Olympics isn't about sheep!" but there is another part of me that thinks the idea is nothing short of genius; everyone loves a trip to the farm , right?

It is expected to be one of the largest opening ceremonies ever created and the pressure on the organisers , the athletes and the British people is really started to mount. After last years riots involving the cast of Jeremy Kyle and a 6000% increase in the sale of baseball bats , we need to regain some dignity and show that although us Brits love a buy one get one free offer , the "buy one and loot the rest" deal was a merely a minor blip.

London may be beautiful but is it ready for the Olympics?
However, the highly anticipated Olympics is not the only reason why the worlds eye is set firmly on Great Britain at the moment. Prince William and Kate Middleton's small , quiet wedding has also helped to draw focus to England , with people travelling all over the world to join in the celebrations. The weeks leading up to the wedding started the buzz around GB; union jacks were cropping up in every shop window and a mass production of Royal Family masks means you could bump into a Royal on almost any street in Britain. 

What a flattering neck line William!

Add the Queen's diamonds jubilee to the mix and you have 3 events that will be remembered in history all in the space of 18 months. Coincidence? Although I like to believe the Queen is an old dear and not some sort of conspiring ninja , there's no denying that recent royal events have boosted British morale that will surely have created more support for the London Olympics.

Coincidence or not , it is about time Britain got some luvvin'. Apart from a few teeny tiny issues , like the fact no one has enough money...or jobs and our children weigh more than the cows their Happy Meals are derived from; it really isn't a shabby place to live. 

Lets hope team GB does us proud in the Olympics and Kate Middleton starts eating for two -  the bank holidays will just keep on rolling.