Wednesday, 27 June 2012

Highway Serengeti

It is estimated that 75% of the UK's population own a car.
98% of these people should probably down grade to a bicycle as a matter of some urgency.

Learning to drive is not exactly easy. Not only do you have to master the biting point , parallel parking and moving the car in a backwards motion without hitting things , there is the art of grabbing the gear stick NOT your instructors knee to accomplish. Awkward silence in the confined space of a Vauxhall Corsa can be very off putting.

The driving test isn't exactly a party either. I failed two of the little buggers, one for turning a corner too fast and one for clipping a lollipop woman with my wing mirror (She was in the middle of the road , what did she expect?!!) However , no matter of hours in a car that smells of failure and teenage sweat will prepare you for the wilderness that awaits you: normal , sane women can evolve into Artemis , goddess of hunting down anything that gets in her way, be it a small child or a slow moving lollipop lady. Give the Great British public a steering wheel and a horn and they feel invincible.
 Swearing , beeping horns , finger gestures and tailgating (Apparently also knows as "Drivin' doggy style"?!) are all key signs of someone suffering from CRR (Common Road Rage). Experts advise that when you are in the proximity of a sufferer , approach with caution and do not make any sudden movements; their actions are often unpredictable.

It is a global problem.

Men are also guilty of road rage and terrible driving , however it could be said that their bad road etiquette is displayed in a slightly different form. Arm them with a white van and they fall under the illusion that yelling "Oi Oi Saveloy" out of their window is a good idea. Have we really been through millions of years of evolution? I like to think Fred didn't attract Wilma by hurling sausage comments out of the Flintmobile. Someone needs to inform the male population that the size of their cars in no way correlates to the size of their manhood (step away from the monster trucks and into the nissan dealership...)
Fred "the cat-caller" Flintstone?
I believe that the brutality on the roads is down to the fact that British people always seem to be in a rush. Walk through London and it's like a city of scurrying ants. Perhaps we need to relax , wind the window down and actually embrace the countryside and cities we are fortunate enough to be driving through? Somehow I don't really see that happening.

 *Grabs keys , clips on crash helmet and bears teeth*

If you can't beat 'em , join 'em

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